Today I want to talk to you about how to really connect with your own energy and “frequency”, regardless of what is happening around you. At times people might be negative or have a mean attitude towards you. We’ll talk about how you can stay strong, centered and aligned with your own heart. How you can stay on your path and purpose by seperating what’s going on for other people from what’s going on for you. I’ll show you 3 key points to empower yourself by taking full responsibility of your own thoughts and your own behaviour. Sound good?
For many years this was a big issue for me. I have always felt a lot of emotions when talking to people, ever since I can remember. Especially if the other person would be in a strong negative state or if what they said or did triggered something within me. I would be very affected. I used to get drawn into other people’s drama, but also self-created negativity a lot! I wouldn’t really take responsibility for my thoughts, roll with the drama and start blaming other people for my own emotions and reactions. Of course following this I would suffer the consequences… At some point I realised that I was harming myself more than anyone else and decided I would do what it takes to develop and maintain a positive mindset – regardless of what was going on around me. This clear decision for positivity has totally paid off. I was able to learn this skill on one hand by doing a lot of meditation and contemplation – on the other at my recent job. At my work I’m handing out information at railway stations to potential customers (doing promotion). I get all kinds of responses from people! There are really positive, kind and loving responses. Many people are super-happy and grateful and they chat with me and we have a great interaction. At the same time I get responses where people are just trying to unload their negativity or view me as a nuisance. People who might be having a bad day or are caught in their own drama and negative mental habits. For my own health and well-being I had to learn how to not take these things personally – to stay strong and grounded and positive within myself.
Now let’s talk about a few very effective strategies and a crucial attitude-adjustment for taking ownership of your own thoughts and emotions and for drawing clear and strong boundaries:
Key #1: Attachment
When we are affected by somebody else’s behaviour, it’s usually because we have an atttachment. We have a specific expectation of how we want that person to act and treat us. When this expectation is not being met, we are frustrated or get angry. We think: “If this person treats me nice, then I’m going to feel nice. I’m going to be happy”, but if that person is really mean then we feel hurt and we think: “I’m not getting the love I deserve. I’m not being accepted!”. It is completely natural to want others to like us. Sometimes it’s the healthier choice though to let this go. The first step to getting back into your own energy is noticing and then releasing this attachment. If somebody is treating you in a mean way: Release expecting them to be any other way than they are behaving. When you really want them to be different – so that you can feel different, them not meeting your expectation is going to cause you a lot of pain! So you’ve got to say: “Yep. That person was super negative towards me. But that is their thing. I’m leaving it with this person. I don’t need that person to change in order to feel good. I’m taking full responsibility of myself“. You’ve got to feel the boundary: Try stretching out your hands (seriously) and feel your space of how far you can reach. That’s your own “space”. From there on it’s the other person’s responsibility how they behave. Even literally – if you need to take a step back or tell somebody to not get closer then do that – it’s your good right to keep your space clear. But you’ve got to take ownership only of your own space – not try to change the other person. Because the thing is you probably can’t. So the first step to getting grounded again in your own energy is to release your attachment of having others be or having things go exactly as you wish. You’ll feel immediate relaxation from that!
Key #2: Intention
I talked about our own space – now we take full ownership of that space and of ourself. We set a clear intention of where we want to go from here. Whenever there is emotional confusion and drama and we are getting triggered, we have to connect with our heart and really allow ourselves to feel – within our own space: “What is my emotional need in this moment? What do I want? What is my goal and Intention for this situation? What is my own agenda?” We have to do these things for ourself – not trying to change the other person but getting in harmony with ourself. It’s not about the other person’s agenda – their agenda might be to unload some negativity and vent their anger, but your own agenda. When people are talking to me my goal is to do a good job and I want to take great care of myself emotionally. I want to have positive interactions. Now if I talk to someone and they are being excessively negative, even after me trying to be empathic: at some point I’m going to say: “I don’t want to talk anymore”. If the interaction is very negative then I don’t want to harm myself with that contact. So I’m having a strong feeling that I want to do things that are good for myself. I want to use my time effectively. Then really feeling this intention. Especially when we get confused and lost in some drama, emotion or reaction it is important to step back and ask ourself: What is my goal in this situation? I want to have a clear and positive state of mind. I want to be positive and productive. I want to be in great contact with myself and contribute something to the people around me. Once you have a clear intention of where you’re going it’s much easier.
I encourage you to also think about this beforehand. Let’s take an example: If you often have difficulty with some coworker you’re always getting triggered by then you could reflect at home: “Okay. My intention is to have a positive state of mind for myself. A positive attitude. Why? Because I want to stay productive during the day. I want to stay emotionally healthy and balanced and I don’t want to ruin that by engaging in some victim mentality, blaming, hating or engaging in drama with or of others. I want to stay positive. Why? Because I want to move along with my work and priorities. Because I want to have an amazing day where I’m happy and enjoying myself. Because I want to nourish habits that actually support my long-term growth and I want to slowly weaken habits that are harming me”.
It’s really important to have a strong intention for that situation. Then your plan of action can be: “If this thing happens with my coworker then I’m going to connect with myself and draw a boundary. I’m going to be nice to that person even if they’re being mean and I’m going to end the conversation. I’m going to say that I don’t want to talk anymore and that I will continue working. “Have a great day”, and then I’ll just do my thing. This would be a clear intention which will help you in a possible conflict situation. You’re going to remember your intention and values and this will help you stay on your path and in integrity with yourself.
Key #3: Positivity
We might think that when we are “pushing” somebody away in our mind who is being very negative towards ourself, that we actually solve the problem. We might start blaming or criticising them in our head. BUT the thing is: It’s not really about our thoughts. It’s not of we are the victor in our mind over the other person. If we think: “I am a better person, I am much kinder”. The question is if and how our emotions are affected. Once we are emotionally affected and feeling strong negative emotions towards that person this is a sign that we have already started engaging with the drama or negativity. We have become passive. How do you take responsibility of the situation and release the negativity? It’s by taking great care of your emotions by releasing the attachment. Letting go of wanting the situation or other person to be different.
There’s a great saying: If you don’t like a situation you can either:
a) change the situation
b) change your attitude
c) remove yourself from the situation.
Next you get clear on your intention, what exactly do you want, and your course of action. Then you remove yourself from the situation, you put up a healthy boundary, or you start being empathic and develop compassion for the other person’s situation.
I want to encourage you to take a few seconds and reflect on your values, as your values are what give you orientation and direction in life: What’s my intention, what are my feelings, what are my needs and priorities? What are my values in a conversation with somebody? How do I want to communicate with others? What impression do I want to make and how do I want to show up in the world? What influence do I want to have on other people around me? What habits do I want to nourish? Once your values get clearer and clearer you will begin auto-correcting your own behaviour in challenging situations and be in more and more integrity with yourself. As you make staying positive a habit, then even if people are being negative a part of you will just not buy into it anymore. You’ll keep up a smile and focus on doing what is beneficial for you and for others. This is a great learning process and as you start taking more responsibility of what you’re thinking and doing in these situations you’ll be letting go of needing to change others. Now with a clear intention in your mind and heart you will be feeling more connected with your own energy and manage to stay aligned with your purpose, values and goals. Being empowered in this way you are able to take strong action and draw clear boundaries where necessary. You can feel this positive attitude, which gets you where you want to go – no matter what’s going on around you!
What if you still get lost in drama or negativity, get emotionally confused or have difficulty seperating other people’s feelings from your own?
What helps in these situations is to seperate other people’s “stuff” from yours. You can recognise that this other person was negative to you, they were blaming or they brought some difficult energy. You just acknowledge that. Then you can say: “Yes. That came from this person – and I’m leaving it with that person. It’s like this person brought the negativity and drama as an unwanted gift and you are saying: “Nope, I don’t accept that gift. That gift of negativity is with you and it remains with you. You have responsibility of that and I am not taking it“. You really seperate yourself from that strongly. Then of course you’ve got to take full responsibility and full ownership for what’s going on in your own mind. For what you might be perpetuating. Most likely there are judgemental thoughts, negative thoughts or hateful thoughts. It might seem like these thoughts make us the “winner” or “better” than the other person. Yet the reality is that we are losing when we do that. We are harming ourself more than anyone else. Emotionally we are stepping right into negativity and this can really impacts our emotional well-being, our performance and even darken our whole day. It’s never pretty! You really want to avoid that and the big load of unnecessary stress hormones in your system.
As you can see staying in your energy by finding your own values and getting really clear about them is extremely powerful. The more you practice it, the stronger and clearer you get and the more connected you will feel with your own purpose and with your own emotions. Then it becomes easy to see if somebody is trying to push negativity on you. You recognize: “Yeah, that’s coming from this person” and you no longer feel compelled to engaged with it. You have a clear standard for what behaviour you accept from yourself, as well as from other people. You might even notice yourself becoming empathic and begin understanding that: “This person is really having a bad day. They’re not happy right now”. It’s such an amazing shift to go from anger to compassion. Instead of being judgemental to gradually start seeing other people’s pain and manage to stay empathic, even if they’re being mean. This is an extremely empowering place to be at!